did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
