I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
