your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
