Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i think my cat just said my name.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
