Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
