So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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