Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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