well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
