it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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