Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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