I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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