i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
