My liver just broke up with me...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Please don't give away my fajitas
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
