I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
