just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
