Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
