It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
