I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
