the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
