so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
