girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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