hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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