When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Still dying that you shit outside
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
