Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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