i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
