You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
