Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
