Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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