I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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