oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
