Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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