if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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