I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
