u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
