I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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