just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
