You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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