awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
