Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
