I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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