Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
