My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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