Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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