I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
