I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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