I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
