you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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