You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
