It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
