girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
