you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
