She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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