Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
