Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
