Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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