captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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